Save me

And so, I am sad to discover that I have not had God first in my life. Again, I feel listless, unmotivated. An hour and a half is gone and I have nothing to show for it. I have yet to shower which also seems fitting. I do not like this feeling of separateness unless it is from the world. Now it is from myself and my God. My sins are petty, and I believe more insulting for it.

Here I am weak, Lord. Show me your strength.

Jesus is Mocking You

I was thinking about the fruits of the spirit when another thought crossed my mind.

Jesus thinks I'm dirt.

"And when much people were gathered together, and were come to him out of every city, he spake by a parable: a sower went out to sow his seed: and as he sowed, some fell by the way side; and it was trodden down, and the fowls of the air devoured it. And some fell upon a rock; and as soon as it was sprung up, it withered away, because it lacked moisture. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprang up with it, and choked it. And other fell on good ground, and sprang up, and bare fruit an hundredfold. And when he had said these things, he cried, He that hath ears to hear, let him hear."—Luke 8:4-8.

I count three main elements in this parable–the sower, the seed, the ground. The sower represents God, Jesus, a preacher. The seed must be the Gospel, the quality of which is not an issue in this parable. Then there's the dirt, but lets not assume all dirt is the same.
There's the wayside, worldly, trodden dirt. This dirt probably believes itself to be open minded as it watches a thousand "isms" wander by. It is walked over and shit on but never moved. It holds its integrity as dirt, and the gospel will not penetrate this person.
The rock is lifeless, isolated, still dirt. Coarse. Removed enough that seed may sprout, but the rock cannot conceive to nurture it. A withered carcass of the gospel remains and the rock cannot even water it with tears.
Among the thorns, dirt forgets itself. It doesn't see itself, it is spent on its own "crop." And though it grows abundantly it does not see that its harvest is worthless and destined for fire. It would gladly take the gospel and work it into its own cultivation plans, not realizing the supremacy this plant demands and resigned to see it choked off by "stronger" crops.
Are you good dirt? Are you removed enough from the beaten path? Has the plow cut you deep and stirred you up? Would you pursue the truth if it were given you? Are you willing to look for a harvest that does not belong to you? Are you aware of your dirtiness?
This is your seed, "Jesus Christ-God as Man, lay down his life for your sake and took it up again. Follow Him."

So, the world is on fire. Is that anything new?
When the flames get close to you

In the dark, we find our answers hewn
From awful trees where saviors swoon

In desperate joy I heave and sigh
And pray to live where others die

Too suddenly I turn. I turn to hope
while through my fingers slides the rope
And moments lost begin to pile
In rivers flooded in denial.